Everything including us, emotions, things and nature are like a wave. We rise and we fall. We break and we heal. We create and we destroy, and when we detach, we attach with something or someone else.
It’s not a non-attachment state after all. I was diagnosed with PSTD and controlling emotions was explained to be part of the problem. On my healing journey, I am amused to realize that I tend to keep it to myself and because I am not comfortable releasing it to a person/thing when I am full, I burst out – not in anger, but in fear. I thought that it was just normal to think about incidents that may cause death at that time until it was explained to be by a professional. The short anxiety attacks became panic attacks and it’s paralyzing. Sometimes, the triggers are not even directly related to my past traumas anymore. Sweating, shakiness, crying, feelings of nausea and shortness of breath. And because I get this abrupt feeling of danger, I tend to distance myself from anything that is shaking my inner resolution.
Not that I don’t care anymore, but I simply transfer the emotional attachment to someone/thing else. Crying does not generally mean someone is an emotional person. It’s just not my most comfortable way of exhibiting my emotions – especially now that I link crying to my panic attacks. I used to feel pity for others easily but I now I have learned to reserve. In general, I do not expect any love or care in return (especially animal-related) but overtime I learned to just stop when it’s already too much. Sorry, I am not a saint but I don’t like any aggressive/abusive behavior around me. Yes, there are still some expectations along the way (I think it’s intuitive) but not all the time. It’s more of trust issues. At this point I don’t have a clear mind yet but I am consciously aware that there’s so much more to learn about and it’s okay to be cautious about my feelings. It’s okay to distance myself when I feel unsafe. This pandemic has helped me to stay away from humanity. The lockdowns became my break from toxicity. Far from meeting people, far from gatherings and it helped me relax. It helped me choose the people that I can handle and tolerate. And when it’s too much for me, I can easily use the pandemic card as an excuse.
I’m just lucky the pandemic has more pros than cons for me. I still hope that the numbers decrease, less people get the virus and that we all get vaccinated soon.
Last Updated on 3 years by Carizza
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